1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,760 by the time you 2 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,600 is selecting the right icebreaker. 3 00:01:02,180 --> 00:01:03,760 I think I'll try this one. 4 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:08,480 Oh, my! 5 00:01:08,900 --> 00:01:10,160 Split pea soup! 6 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:17,440 I simply adore split pea soup. I cannot tell you how many evenings since my 7 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:22,500 divorce I've enjoyed a hearty bowl of split pea soup. I've loved it ever since 8 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:26,200 was a little slip of a thing back home in Chichester. That's a small town just 9 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:27,880 outside of London. It's really... 10 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,240 I'll meet you at the checkout counter. 11 00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:31,680 Right, dear. 12 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,600 So, can I have your phone number? 13 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,920 John, check out the canned goods on her. 14 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:46,520 All right, 15 00:01:47,380 --> 00:01:49,280 now, just watch a master at work. 16 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,020 Uh, excuse me? 17 00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:59,960 I'm recently divorced, and, well, um... I'm not used to shopping by myself. 18 00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:02,420 Get used to it. 19 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:11,140 John, do me a favor. Don't work my aisle. 20 00:02:20,660 --> 00:02:21,660 Ooh. 21 00:02:28,110 --> 00:02:29,110 Hey, sweet dicks. 22 00:02:29,770 --> 00:02:33,130 Any room in your life for a tall, blonde box boy? 23 00:02:35,610 --> 00:02:36,610 Kirk. 24 00:02:41,170 --> 00:02:42,170 Carol. 25 00:02:43,610 --> 00:02:45,590 Well, it's been a long time. Yeah. 26 00:02:46,350 --> 00:02:48,410 Yeah, it really has. 27 00:02:49,950 --> 00:02:52,350 So you're working in a market these days, huh? 28 00:02:52,910 --> 00:02:54,290 Actually, I own the plant. 29 00:02:55,350 --> 00:02:56,350 Really? 30 00:02:57,910 --> 00:02:58,910 Good for you. 31 00:02:59,870 --> 00:03:00,910 What are you doing here? 32 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:02,890 Shoplifting. 33 00:03:07,750 --> 00:03:09,290 Good, good, good. 34 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:12,670 Still the mistress of quips, huh? 35 00:03:13,450 --> 00:03:16,730 Well, for your information, I'm just picking up a few odds and ends. You 36 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,910 got a big meeting tonight with my board of directors. 37 00:03:19,110 --> 00:03:20,110 Cut the bullcrap. 38 00:03:20,590 --> 00:03:22,350 You don't have to try to impress me. 39 00:03:22,930 --> 00:03:24,310 I'm not your wife anymore. 40 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,720 Don't you see what I heard? That's Kirk's ex -wife. I can't believe it. 41 00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:39,540 What's going on? 42 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,660 Please, you're just in time. 43 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:46,700 Kirk with his ex -wife. Kirk's ex -wife. His ex -wife. I'll do. I'll do. 44 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:49,660 Spying on people. 45 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:51,840 Aren't you ashamed of yourselves? 46 00:03:52,340 --> 00:03:53,099 Damn right. 47 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,100 Now shut up so we can hear. 48 00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:03,100 Privacy? 49 00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,100 Carol, 50 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,800 it's been a real pain running into you. Still bitter, huh? 51 00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:28,500 Me? Bitter? 52 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:30,360 What are you kidding me? 53 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,740 Best thing that ever happened to me was you walking out that door. 54 00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:37,500 I got more girlfriends now than I did when we were married. 55 00:04:41,220 --> 00:04:42,800 You'll never change, will you, Kirk? 56 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,200 Kirk? 57 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,300 This is your ex -husband? 58 00:04:47,660 --> 00:04:48,720 Yeah, who wants to know? 59 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,160 Kirk, this is Donna. 60 00:04:54,220 --> 00:04:56,680 Not the Donna. 61 00:04:57,820 --> 00:04:59,380 Yes, Kirk, the Donna. 62 00:05:01,580 --> 00:05:04,220 So this is the fraud you dumped me for. 63 00:05:11,460 --> 00:05:13,680 Sir, do me a favor, please. Don't start. 64 00:05:14,140 --> 00:05:18,420 If I live to be a thousand, I will never understand this. What do you see in 65 00:05:18,420 --> 00:05:19,420 this chick? 66 00:05:20,180 --> 00:05:22,900 I am ten times better looking than she is. 67 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,190 Ladies, how come you're so late tonight? 68 00:05:38,430 --> 00:05:40,790 Oh, Louise took the whole group on a field trip to the supermarket. 69 00:05:41,110 --> 00:05:43,570 She thought it would be a great place to meet single people. 70 00:05:44,230 --> 00:05:45,810 Not bad, not bad. 71 00:05:46,770 --> 00:05:48,710 You know what I always do to meet single women? 72 00:05:49,030 --> 00:05:52,410 What? I go to the Museum of Modern Art and stand next to a Picasso. 73 00:05:54,210 --> 00:05:57,430 I figure I gotta be better looking than a guy with three eyes and a guitar in 74 00:05:57,430 --> 00:05:58,430 his stomach. 75 00:05:59,890 --> 00:06:00,890 Not bad. 76 00:06:01,730 --> 00:06:02,850 Anyway, there you go. 77 00:06:03,290 --> 00:06:06,110 It's got a new valve pump, new copper tubing. 78 00:06:06,570 --> 00:06:07,770 And the water's not brown anymore. 79 00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:10,030 So we can drink from it now? 80 00:06:11,590 --> 00:06:12,590 I wouldn't. 81 00:06:16,790 --> 00:06:17,930 Hey. Hello. 82 00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:20,510 Everybody, it's the spellboard. We missed you at the supermarket. 83 00:06:20,770 --> 00:06:26,310 Oh, that's okay. Tom and I straightened out the storeroom. But you missed all 84 00:06:26,310 --> 00:06:27,310 the excitement. 85 00:06:27,330 --> 00:06:28,330 You want to bet? 86 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:39,860 I can't help wondering what that poor woman must have gone through. 87 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,940 I mean, can you imagine being married to Kirk? 88 00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:46,860 Hey, 89 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,160 everybody. 90 00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:55,500 What? Kirk? I thought you two shared a car. 91 00:06:55,860 --> 00:06:59,380 Yeah, we did. He's down the hall hitting on Terry, the new aerobics instructor. 92 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:00,620 Okay. 93 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,540 Kirk tell you about his ex -wife. Tell us every wonderful, rotten detail. 94 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,300 Well, actually, there's nothing to tell. Every time I mention her, he changes 95 00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,079 the subject. 96 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,060 I wonder why he's being so secretive. 97 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:15,240 Well, you know, Kirk, he was probably cheating on her. 98 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,600 Now, Kate, we mustn't jump to conclusions. 99 00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:24,700 Oh, come on, Louise. You don't think there was another woman involved? 100 00:07:36,140 --> 00:07:37,400 Do you know something you're not telling us? 101 00:07:38,060 --> 00:07:40,400 No, no, no. Not a thing. Not a bloody thing. 102 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,120 What? Do you think I was snooping? 103 00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,920 You were snooping. Thank God. 104 00:07:49,220 --> 00:07:53,040 Oh, this blows juicy right out of the water. 105 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:59,100 But I can't. Oh, come on, Louise. This is a support group. 106 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:03,300 We're like a loving, caring family here. If you know something about Kurt, share 107 00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:04,300 it with us. Yeah. 108 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:05,740 Before we have to hurt you. 109 00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:13,040 Well, I want to tell you, but I mustn't. It was bad enough that I was 110 00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,420 eavesdropping, and I knew that was wrong. 111 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,460 But if I told you, that would be even more wrong. 112 00:08:21,820 --> 00:08:23,860 Oh, what the hell? In for a penny, in for a pound. 113 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:10,040 I could stay home Friday nights and try on bathing suits. 114 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:54,240 all saw me with my ex -wife, and I'm going to tell you the same thing I told 115 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,780 him. I don't want to talk about her. Oh, come on, Kirk. 116 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:59,340 There must be something you'd like to tell us about your marriage. 117 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:05,300 Mr. Tell, uh, we were a couple of kids. She was crazy about me, and we got 118 00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:06,300 hitched. 119 00:10:06,860 --> 00:10:10,460 But we were just too different. You know, she was a vegetarian, and I was 120 00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:11,500 strictly meat and potatoes. 121 00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:16,000 We had absolutely nothing in common. 122 00:10:16,940 --> 00:10:18,400 Well, you both liked women. 123 00:10:37,580 --> 00:10:38,580 We, uh, we know. 124 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:41,540 Nice. 125 00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:43,300 Nice. 126 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:45,480 Real nice. 127 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:50,500 What were you all doing? Spying on me? Oh, come on, Kirk. You know us better 128 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:51,279 than that. 129 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:52,860 We were not spying on you. 130 00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:55,060 Louise was. 131 00:10:58,380 --> 00:10:59,380 Great. She's great. 132 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,700 Well, go ahead. Go ahead. Come on. Laugh it up. 133 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,160 I don't care if you won't die laughing. Hey, hey, hey. 134 00:11:06,140 --> 00:11:08,720 It's not going to help me to run away. It's not going to help me. Well, come 135 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,540 Hey, John. Hi, Kirk. 136 00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:09,740 Good to see you. 137 00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,760 Yeah. So, Kirk, where you been all week? 138 00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:14,960 How come you didn't show up at the group tonight? 139 00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:17,880 Oh, you know, I'm a busy guy, you know. 140 00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:19,220 How are you? 141 00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:22,920 Yeah. Oh, and like I said, I'm going to be staying here at my buddy's apartment 142 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:26,520 for another week, so don't be a stranger, all right? Yeah. Kirk, Kirk, 143 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:27,159 you're okay? 144 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:31,820 I mean, I thought you might still be upset about our finding out about Carol. 145 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,120 Carol. 146 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:36,720 Carol. 147 00:13:37,710 --> 00:13:38,710 Your ex -wife. 148 00:13:38,850 --> 00:13:39,850 Oh, that. 149 00:13:40,190 --> 00:13:41,730 No. No. 150 00:13:41,970 --> 00:13:46,950 So my wife left me for a woman and everybody knows about it. Big deal. 151 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,080 aren't you? 152 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,400 Now listen, Kurt, you gotta come back to the group. No way. Everybody down at 153 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,640 that community center is laughing at me. No, they're not. 154 00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,280 Will you stop being so paranoid? 155 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:19,800 Who told you I was paranoid? 156 00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:25,920 It was them, wasn't it? Kurt, Kurt, you're knowing this whole thing about 157 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,360 ex -wife way out of proportion. 158 00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:33,000 Okay, so maybe for a guy like you, a thing like this is a little 159 00:14:35,370 --> 00:14:36,390 A little embarrassing? 160 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,630 A little embarrassing? 161 00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:40,889 Oh, boy. 162 00:14:40,890 --> 00:14:42,350 I got some news for you, pal. 163 00:14:42,650 --> 00:14:46,690 Going out with your fly open is a little embarrassing. 164 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:53,070 I get the point. But when your wife dumps you for some brawl, that's not 165 00:14:53,070 --> 00:14:54,070 embarrassing. 166 00:14:54,670 --> 00:15:00,490 That's a pain that gnaws away at your gut from the moment you wake up until 167 00:15:00,490 --> 00:15:01,590 moment you go to bed. 168 00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:08,680 My friends found out that Carol was gay. They had a field day. All they ever 169 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,180 heard was, Hey, Sundance! 170 00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,080 What happened to Butch? 171 00:15:13,860 --> 00:15:18,460 Look, I know what it's like being made fun of. My ex -wife left me for my best 172 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:20,940 friend. I was constantly being ridiculed. 173 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,660 How did you deal with it? 174 00:15:22,860 --> 00:15:23,679 Don't you remember? 175 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:24,700 I told you to shut up. 176 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,700 Well, I would never say shut up to my friends. Well, maybe you should. 177 00:15:29,980 --> 00:15:31,580 You sound like a bunch of morons. 178 00:15:31,860 --> 00:15:34,710 Yeah? Well, those morons were right. 179 00:15:35,030 --> 00:15:39,730 I turned my wife into a womanizer. 180 00:15:41,410 --> 00:15:44,590 Oh, come on, Kirk. I'm crying out loud. You got nothing to do with it. 181 00:15:44,830 --> 00:15:46,090 Look at the facts, John. 182 00:15:47,310 --> 00:15:51,350 Two years with me, I couldn't satisfy her. I turned her off to all men. Kirk, 183 00:15:51,390 --> 00:15:52,750 will you cut it out with this macho garbage? 184 00:15:53,490 --> 00:15:55,750 This is the 90s. People don't think that way anymore. 185 00:15:56,030 --> 00:15:59,710 Oh, yeah, right, John. You talk a real good game, but deep down inside, you're 186 00:15:59,710 --> 00:16:01,850 thinking exactly what everyone else is. 187 00:16:03,439 --> 00:16:07,700 My wife turned gay because I was less than a man. 188 00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:14,200 Did you ever discuss it with her? 189 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:15,480 John, please. 190 00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,640 This is not the kind of thing a guy discusses with his wife. 191 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:23,360 All right, that's it. Come on, get dressed. We're going down to that 192 00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:25,940 You're going to talk to her. I guarantee she's going to tell you you're wrong 193 00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:29,000 about this. I am not going down there. I'm not even leaving this apartment. 194 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:30,960 Okay, fine. I give up. 195 00:16:31,340 --> 00:16:34,420 You want to sit around here getting more and more paranoid, imagining that the 196 00:16:34,420 --> 00:16:37,780 entire world is talking about you and laughing at you? That's your business. 197 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,420 If you change your mind, holler. Don't hold your breath. 198 00:16:47,460 --> 00:16:48,460 I'm paranoid. 199 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,460 I'm imagining things. 200 00:17:03,530 --> 00:17:04,530 Kirk Morris. 201 00:17:10,150 --> 00:17:13,130 I'll take sexual inadequacies for a hundred, Alex. 202 00:17:13,349 --> 00:17:19,490 The answer is, unable to satisfy her, his wife had to find a female lover. 203 00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:20,869 Who is Kirk Morris? 204 00:17:26,910 --> 00:17:29,410 Bless you all. 205 00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:32,610 And remember to say a prayer for... 206 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,120 Who is this? 207 00:17:35,540 --> 00:17:36,540 Cinnamon. 208 00:17:39,620 --> 00:17:44,040 Oh, hey, I want to make a very, very special birthday wish today to a friend 209 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:50,580 mine, Kirk Morris, in New York City. Good old Kirk is 103, and he still 210 00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:52,480 met a woman he can satisfy yet. 211 00:18:06,380 --> 00:18:08,700 There she is. Now just go over and talk to her. 212 00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:09,619 Come on. 213 00:18:09,620 --> 00:18:13,120 Just come with me, John. I can't do this alone. No, Kurt. Come on, just come 214 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,120 with me. 215 00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:17,860 You don't have to say anything. Just stay with me, please. Okay, okay, okay. 216 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:19,680 If you insist. 217 00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:23,500 Joe? 218 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:32,880 Kurt. 219 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,660 Oh, I'm John Lacey. 220 00:18:36,190 --> 00:18:37,190 I'm Kirk's friend. 221 00:18:37,870 --> 00:18:39,110 It's important that he talks to you. 222 00:18:40,690 --> 00:18:41,690 What's going on? 223 00:18:43,030 --> 00:18:46,710 Well, Carol, I, uh... 224 00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:52,330 John, do you mind? This is kind of personal. 225 00:18:55,850 --> 00:19:01,390 Carol, why do you want to talk to me? 226 00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:03,230 Um... 227 00:19:04,270 --> 00:19:10,630 I was wondering about your little, uh... gender bender. 228 00:19:13,710 --> 00:19:18,530 Did that have anything to do with my, uh... sexual prowess? 229 00:19:19,630 --> 00:19:21,330 Is that what you think? 230 00:19:22,710 --> 00:19:26,490 I... Well, I guess this is a talk we should have had a long time ago. Yeah, 231 00:19:26,490 --> 00:19:28,390 yeah. Let's just keep our voices down, okay? 232 00:19:29,970 --> 00:19:32,190 But I didn't decide to turn gay. 233 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,880 I mean, it's not like changing your hair color. 234 00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:38,420 I didn't even know I was gay when we got married. 235 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,640 I was taught that you go to school and you meet a man and you settle down. 236 00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:45,160 And that's what I did. 237 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:46,580 No questions asked. 238 00:19:48,180 --> 00:19:50,880 And then one day I met Donna. 239 00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:56,060 And I just started getting these feelings that I'd never gotten for any 240 00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,040 I was falling in love. 241 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:02,320 So... 242 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:07,640 You mean your leaving really had nothing to do with me? 243 00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:09,480 Well, in a way it did. 244 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:10,680 I knew it! 245 00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:16,400 Kirk, if you had been some sensitive, caring guy, I might not have had the 246 00:20:16,400 --> 00:20:18,780 courage to walk out and become who I really was. 247 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:25,660 But because you were such a sleazy, obnoxious jerk, you made it easy. 248 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:29,360 I did? 249 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,420 Your mother in Minnesota was relieved when I left you. 250 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,160 So, let me see if I got this straight. 251 00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:46,400 The only way it had anything to do with me was not because I was a lousy lover, 252 00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:49,560 but because I was a sleazy jerk? 253 00:20:50,420 --> 00:20:51,860 Exactly. Yes! 254 00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:54,980 John, come here! 255 00:20:55,380 --> 00:20:59,360 What's going on? I was wrong. It had nothing to do with us in the sack. Well, 256 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,060 you see, that's what I was trying to tell you. 257 00:21:01,530 --> 00:21:02,429 So you're okay? 258 00:21:02,430 --> 00:21:03,430 I'm great. 259 00:21:04,550 --> 00:21:05,550 I'm great. 260 00:21:08,290 --> 00:21:15,110 Carol, I want you to know, I hope you and Donna are really 261 00:21:15,110 --> 00:21:16,110 happy together. 262 00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:18,110 I'm really touched. 263 00:21:18,690 --> 00:21:23,190 I mean, I always show it, but deep down inside, I really believe that people 264 00:21:23,190 --> 00:21:25,750 have the right to live their lives any way they want to. 265 00:21:27,090 --> 00:21:28,730 After all, this is the 90s, right? 266 00:21:35,340 --> 00:21:36,340 Come on, John. 267 00:21:38,620 --> 00:21:45,540 I cannot tell you how 268 00:21:45,540 --> 00:21:48,860 proud I am of you right now. I mean, you took a big step today. 269 00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:53,580 Kirk, Don and I are getting married on Sunday. 270 00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:56,400 Well, I thought maybe you'd like to attend the ceremony. 271 00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,840 What are you, out of your mind? 272 00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:07,380 Right, like I'm going to be seen at a whole wedding. 273 00:22:17,940 --> 00:22:21,640 Howdy, I'm Arlo Weed, and I just moved to Baltimore to live with my long -lost 274 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:22,640 sister, Rachel. 275 00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:26,560 I'm the long -lost Sister Rachel, and I may leave Baltimore for the same reason. 276 00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:28,900 We're flesh and blood, premiering next. 277 00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:32,840 Then it's a one -hour comedy salute to Michael Jordan with Billy Crystal, Spike 278 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,180 Lee, Fresh Prince, Will Smith, Jane Curtin, and more, tonight on NBC.